Friday, April 3, 2009

I think I'll try defying gravity

Lately I've been thinking a lot about volition and independence. I've had to, over the last several months, determine the level of responsibility I'm willing to accept for what I choose to do with my life. And once again, climbing is helping me to process kinesthetically what I'm going through mentally.

Deciding to forgo my undergraduate course of study for a completely new program for my master's was a difficult choice to make. I struggled for some time with whether or not it was right. It has only been by the grace of God and his faithfulness to remind me in less-than-subtle ways that I oughtn't doubt him that I've realized I am exactly where I need to be right now. Coincidentally, I've been learning to crack climb. Now, I preface this with a disclaimer because I don't know that throwing oneself at a man-made fissure in the wall (save for the couple highballs I tried outside) at the gym legitimately counts as crack climbing, but I have certainly been fighting to keep skin attached to the back of my hands, so whatever that means...anyways. I've found that in crack climbing I have to be utterly present and I have to be deliberate and patient. I have to commit and I can't rush ahead. I can look ahead, I can anticipate, but I have to stay right where I am. And that is where it connects with "real life". I need to choose to be present and commit to where I am now.

Also, my recent foray into the world of highballing, however brief, ignited an interest in soloing and really exploring my capabilities, in spite of the fact that I am terrified of falling and thus of heights/exposure. I really really really like the idea of taking responsibility for myself, for my own accomplishments and shortcomings. This is part of the reason I'm so excited for my trip next week. For the first time, I have elected to travel not for anyone else (granted, I'm visiting friends, but the travel itself is solo) but because I want to. I had to commit to the trip, financially and time-wise, and consider the idea of going places I haven't been by myself. I need that right now. I need to feel capable and independent.

I can't help but be overcome with good, happy, loving feelings for my recent friends. I am terribly blessed by the new people in my life that are just as enthusiastic as I am, who will listen to me jabber nonstop about climbing because they love it too and they don't get tired of talking about it. It's like I can't believe I lived as long as I did without this huge part of my life. What did I do before this? What did I look forward to? What made me tick? It's all so new and big and enticing and enveloping...

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