Wednesday, March 11, 2009

forced to sit still for a moment

In the end, climbing is what I love, my own expression of joy. Everything else is just noise. -Steph Davis, High Infatuation

I have never loved any activity the way I love climbing. It's what I dream about, what I think about when I'm doing other things, it's what I talk about, it's what I want to be doing. I can't articulate properly the palpable camaraderie that exists when I spend time with friends who are as infatuated as I am.
Thus, upon the recent flaring up of shoulder pain on account of the fact that I'm pulling too much plastic too often and getting strong too fast...I'm having a hard time. I get angry because the one thing I want to do--my escape, my balance, where I process and express--is painful and difficult. Instead of feeling capable and strong, I feel weak and frustrated.

Though climbing can be hell on a love relationship, it offers an unparalleled sense of community. [...] being a driven person is hard. Being in love with that person can be even harder. -Steph Davis, High Infatuation

I've not been healthily single in some years. And I can't help but think that my hunger for movement did not build our relationship. How do I reconcile my emotional needs with those of someone who wants nothing to do with the very thing that is most therapeutic for me emotionally?
And so here I am, a week out of the split, frustrated over a shoulder injury and fighting to move and to process all that's going on in my head but not wanting to wreck my body.
My tendency to fixate can be my greatest asset and conversely my hugest obstacle. I can focus and I can fight, but I struggle so much with stepping back to see bigger. I'm immediate, I'm driven. I need resolution and expectation.

Right now, in this moment, I am content. I am not anxious or angry. I want to seize the quiet surging of motivation in my chest and ration it across my days so that I can keep breathing, just like this.


  1. Split? Hmmmm.

    I'm thinking of my wrist and my obsessing over certain parts of my life and suspecting you're experiencing some similar things. But I'm not sure. Do you want to hang out sometime? *Hugs*

  2. i think you are very amazing, and i'm getting to be awfully proud of you lately. this is the first time i am leaving a comment on your blog (or any blog, for that matter), which is a big deal, since you've been doing this as long as i've known you.

    i had the strongest feeling a few weeks ago that i wanted to be able to read your ___ (xanga? myspace? i don't remember what you were using) from freshman year, or around there. i can't explain it (though i'd like to blame nostalgia), but i really wished i could do that. <3

    (that picture is lovely, where was it taken?)